At least it was pretty.

For my birthday I decided to cook salmon. Unfortunately, the store was out, so I had to work on the fly. I ended up with this oh-so-pretty dish of lamb:

Sadly though, it did not leave me satisfied. The problem? My brain was in a million places OUTSIDE of the kitchen while I was cooking it.

In short: it was a disaster.

 

Undercooked artichoke that was nearly inedible?

CHECK.

A wet and tasteless mass that was supposed to be couscous?

CHECK.

Coriander crusted lamb that was perhaps a bit too rare. As in; it wasn’t even warm in the middle?

CHECK.

Blackberry Sauce that, although tasty, could have been much more?

CHECK.

The mushrooms were decent at least.

 

It almost felt like I was eating the fake food that they use for magazine ads. It looks great, but that’s about it.

 

So, how do you cook an abomination like this? Oh, let me tell you:

- First, take a big box of blackberries, put them in the blender until smooth, then run through a fine mesh strainer to remove seeds. This sounds easy, but takes FOREVER. Best to start a week in advance for this one. Once strained, add some sugar (because those berries aint ripe), some ginger, and a dash of salt. Put on the stove to warm.

 

- Because you don’t have a pressure cooker, setup a steamer with some garlic cloves, bay leaves, and lemon juice for the artichokes. Cook them like they are in a pressure cooker: about 30 minutes, so that they will be rock hard when it is time to serve.

 

- Forget that you set your lamb pan to SUPER high heat to pre-heat it, put lamb in until they start to burn, flip, and turn to medium. Allow to sit until the outside looks edible, even though the inside is still raw. Quickly remove from heat and set aside.

 

- Whip together some mayo, dill, and black pepper. This is a dipping sauce for the rock-hard artichokes, and the only thing that will make you want to put them in your mouth.

 

- Slice a billion mushrooms, set in saute pan with butter, salt, pepper, dash of sugar. This will be the only good part of the meal, so don’t mess it up!

 

- Forget about couscous until it’s almost time to serve. Rush through it without reading instructions. Don’t wait for the water to boil first, just throw everything together, and THEN bring to boil. Add more spice than you should, because it’s turning to shit anyway. It won’t matter, no matter how much spice you add it will still somehow end up being flavorless.

 

Plate it all together. Add fresh blackberries, that will make it look REALLY tasty and will make it so the sauce doesn’t look like blood. Giggle maniacally at whoever is going to have to eat this thing; they are in for a surprise!

 

EPIC FAIL. :-D